So my impulsive son who blurts out blood curdling screeches and screams, has no inner monologue, and is terrified of thunder, fire drills and fireworks , decided that Pierce gets on his nerves when he yells and chatters over his big brother. It is the great paradox of “I hate loud disturbing, sounds to the point of neurosis and anger, UNLESS I am the creator of those sounds.” A little like how nobody gets carsick from their own driving.
Both on our way to and from school today, I was witness to this twilight zone type of stress coming from my son. He complains that Alyna is a chatterbox, and that she always talks when he’s talking. Hmmmm…it seems markedly familiar that I have had this same gripe about Mikey to his dad. Alyna just does it to get on his nerves, and it works because he has no sense-of-humor when he has something of importance to say like, “Is it going to rain today?” “Alyna, am I a faster runner than you?” “Alyna, I read better than you.” “Alyna, are you tougher than me?” (mentally, I would say, yes, definitely…) I mean…jeez…if I get sick of hearing it, Alyna must want to smack him.
As I type, he has his fingers in his ears and is trying to navigate a tablet to look at the weather radar. His nose is about two inches from the screen and he’s propped on his elbows while using his pinky to tap the icons. Can you guess why? Yep, it’s raining, and there were a couple distant rumbles about 20 minutes ago. I think we need to build a panic room—make that two—one for Mikey and the other for the rest of us when we are trying to get away from his endless grilling about cloud types and the weather forecast.
This morning on the way to school, the poking and bothering each other escalated to the point where I yelled for everyone to ”sit still, keep their hands to themselves, and zip it!” It worked a little, but you know what worked like a charm? The who-can-stay-quiet-the-longest game. I promised that whoever won would get a lollipop when I picked them up for school. I knew full well that everyone was getting one if I didn’t want to spawn a real skirmish in the backseat. So, armed with suckers, I got everyone’s gobs plugged up with candy as soon as they got in the car. They still managed to bicker, though.
Then we came around the corner on this back road behind the school and saw a HUGE tortoise and a guy standing over it. I stopped and rolled down the windows as we all craned to see this magnificent boulder on legs. I asked the guy if it was a pet, or if he just ran across it (it’s pretty woodsy in this area) and he told us he just found it. I wanted to take a picture of it, but there was a car behind me…
Back to a relentless stream of questions about the possibility of the clouds on the horizon forecasting impending doom. Then we came upon the pasture of our beloved but rank friend “Randy Bill.” He was hanging out at the corner of a busy road and the side road we use as a cut through. I guess this affords him a much bigger audience at that time of day. Once again, I rolled the window down, because it’s fun holler at him and make goat sounds. Just as I was pointing him out to Mikey and Alyna in the backseat, I realized his prehensile lipstick was fully out, urinating and Bill was drinking it as one would drink from the hose. Great…I tried to distract the kids while witnessing this livestock porn, but I was too late. Mikey was already pointing out that “Bill was drinking his pee from his hoo hoo.” I don’t think Alyna caught it though…thank god! Then further stepping in goat shit, I said aloud “I wonder where his life partner is?” Alyna said “What’s its name?” “Life-partner.” “Life partner?” “Yes, it means that they will spend their lives together in that pasture being friends.” Whoa! Dodged a bullet, there!
Then it was home to check the radar 500 times, interrogate me on the nature of the impending afternoon storm, some tears, and the second-by-second destruction of one of my favorite pastimes…lying on the couch watching a thunderstorm…