So, I was reading back over some of my blog posts the other day and I had this epiphany! WHY AM I NOT FAMOUS? I’M HILARIOUS! Is it possible that I am biased about my own wit? Nah…surely if I could make 6 billion people read my posts, they would all be in stitches clamoring for the next one, and it would end all wars (except the one’s where people fight over the use of the available computers to read my blog.) This is why I always have at least a million likes and a zillion subscribers. I thank all of you, humanity, for your support and audience.
It does appear though, that there is one person who hasn’t “stumbled upon” my specific brand of artist/parenting humor. Oprah Winfrey! I’m talking to you! Since I was in my twenties I felt like at some point by my forties that I would write the great self-help book, and be selling it all over the networks. I’m not kidding! But it turns out I’m not so great at helping myself, so I figured maybe I could help other people by seeing what life as an willy-nilly, haphazard, try-anything-creative-once, stick to nothing, artist and mom of two boys can be like. It’s really a cheap form of birth control, that is until I get a book deal, then you’re going to have to pay for it like all other forms of birth control.
So, here’s how I see it, Oprah. I don’t like cameras, but I’m cool with fame (especially the money that comes with it.) When you have me on Master Class, I am going to blow your mind with all of my wittiness, but I’m going to require a confessional screen like those people who need to remain anonymous. You don’t need to distort my voice, though…I just don’t want to SEE myself on camera, I have body image issues, and, also, I will need a bag of peanut M&M’s. (Another one of those areas I wasn’t able to “self-help” unless helping myself to cookies and chips counts.)
I suppose if you need to meet my “muses,” I can bring Mikey and Pierce, but I don’t want them stealing my spotlight. Keep their screen time to a minimum, if you will. I will also want to bring (and try to sell) some of my light fixtures that I have made, and I’ll need you to sign a contract allowing me to design your home no matter how much it costs or how long it takes. It could be while if I am doing the TV network circuit, just so you know.
I look forward to hearing from you—not your publicist—you, and booking our time together. I am sure that you will find me most entertaining, and will want to maintain our new friendship for years to come.
Here is a list of required reading for you:
Rules of Irritation
Dimwit and Buttcrack
23 years gone..eight days back…too long and too short
Feel free to read all 400 and some posts, though…