Hey Oprah! The boys and I went on a walk again today to look for cool things. The weather was perfect for it, even though, Mikey was lazily reluctant. Such an outdoors-man, that one. Before we left, I asked Pierce at least a half a dozen times if he needed to go potty because there were no bathrooms where we were going. He said “It’s okay, I can just go in the grass.” Even though we have had a couple of emergency wee wee in the woods situations, I made it clear that he needed to hold it today. After all, we were only walking through the adjacent neighborhoods.
Off we went to see what we could find. Maybe we would see some cool Halloween decorations. We had gotten around the block when Pierce realized that his new sweat shorts had a hole in the crotch. This wouldn’t have been such a source of amusement if I didn’t remember that we traded pajama bottoms for shorts and didn’t bother to grab underwear. Lord only knows what sort of show anyone got when confronted by him coming his way on his plasma car.
When we got outside of our subdivision, we turned right to walk back into the neighborhood behind ours. There is a retention area between them that usually is dry with high grasses, where I presume wondrous treasures could be found—if only I wasn’t afraid of what sort of creepy crawlies were also lurking there. We were just about parallel with this area when an older lady came along walking her dog. Since it was about 8 pounds and looked like some sort of poodle, the boys became leery. They must have been postmen in their previous lives and encountered some run-ins with those naughty ankle-biters. The dog’s owner was momentarily enchanted with my boys, and wanted to chat. So while I was trying to listen and keep track of the boys, Pierce ran to his plasma car, tripped and skinned his knees. Naturally, dramatic crying ensued, and the lady, her dog, Mikey and I went to rescue him. Once it was determined that he was going to live, she continued on with her little companion. Meanwhile, as we were standing on the sidewalk between the retention area and the street, I notice there is a little wet spot on the front of Pierce’s air conditioned shorts. I suppose he sprung a leak when he fell, and then decided that he really needed to finish the job…preferably in the grass and not in his pants. I’m looking around for trees–any sort of cover, but no…we have a field in a ditch nestled nicely between houses on all sides and a relatively busy street.
I started looking over my shoulder to see where the lady and her dog went. They were standing in the street chatting with somebody in a car, thank God. I took Pierce down the ditch a ways, but not so far that we might tumble into the tall grass and awaken any bugs or snakes taking refuge. As I am surveying the best way to cover him from anyone seeing what we are doing, Mikey is four feet away quietly watching this ridiculous comedy play out. Once I think we probably look like we are just studying something, and I scold Pierce to put his shirt down (he pulls it way up so that he doesn’t piddle on it,) I try to decide if the hole in his shorts can work to my advantage, but unfortunately, we have to pull the frank and beans above the waistline, and I have to pilot the frank so that it doesn’t spray willy-nilly like a fire hose.
Have you ever seen the first Austin Powers, where he’s been cryogenically frozen? Once he is thawed, he goes off to the bathroom, since he’s been holding it for about thirty years. You can’t see anything, but you can hear him relieving himself, and it goes on for—oh, just about the first half of the movie. Then it stops…wait—some more—stop—start—stop—start—aaannnnndddd eventually ending. This is how it was in the ditch. It took a while for him to get over his stage fright, but then he started. I bet he kept up a constant flow for 30 seconds. Occasionally stopping, and just when I ask if he’s done, he’d shoot out another stream just to interrupt me. Sometimes shooting up impressively like a fountain, sometimes just a squirt, or a business like stream again. I bet he did some rendition of the former 10 times. At some point Mikey says without any expression on his face, “This is hilarious, mommy.” Still going, Pierce is smirking like he’s is quite pleased with himself. I’m hoping nobody is looking out their second story window watching me fondle my child while the other one looks on. Finally. FINALLY his “Manneken Pis” impression concludes, and we put the frank and beans away and turn to walk up the little knoll. As I looked back up the street over my shoulder, I saw the elderly lady and her dog, glancing back at us. Surely she knew what we were doing, and lost her enchantment with my boys and their mother!