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Dear Oprah,

I really thought than when everyone was out of diapers in my house the bathroom blog posts would cease.  It seems that occasionally, for good measure, they remind me about raising boys.

Today, Pierce and I had to go get Mikey out of school for a doctor’s appointment.  Nothing major, just routine stuff.  We were running a couple of minutes behind, so naturally—like a magnet, I got stuck behind every turtle with a driver’s license in the city, and at traffic lights so long that I thought it was the next day when they turned green.

We got to the office only about 5 minutes late, but typically I don’t stress too much about this, as doctors have a tendency to keep me waiting, so tit for tat!  Today was no different.  I think it was 30 minutes past our appointment before we were called.  While we waited…this is how we used the time.

We were no sooner through the doors of the waiting room when Pierce discovered the bathroom, thus his bladder discovered it was full.  Then Mikey discovered Pierce needed to use the facilities and thus, his bladder also discovered it was full.

As I stood at the check in window to settle up my future bill, I sent both of them to the bathroom which was in my line of sight.  I told Mikey to go with Pierce and I would be there in a minute.  They aren’t in there two seconds before Michael reappears announcing to the waiting room “Pierce is trying to poop, but I really need to poop, BAD!”  Jeez…really?  I told him to get back in there with his brother and wait his turn.  Oh, and also, to “BE QUIET!”

When I was finished checking in, I met them in the bathroom to discover Pierce with his pants and undies around his knees, and Mikey on the toilet wrestling with his own colon.  It so happens that Mikey told his brother to get off the toilet and let him go first.  Knowing his role, Pierce was left standing with his pants down announcing “I have to go poop, still!  It’s gonna come out!”

This is my lot.  Having heard them in the bathroom on previous visits, I know that the walls are thin and everyone in waiting room can hear what is transpiring between the user and the commode.  God, being a mom never ceases to have its embarrassing moments.

Finally, Mikey gets his colon’s shoulder in contact with the mat.  He wins, and I demand that he hop off the toilet before Pierce has an accident.  They immediately switch places, where I think that we will finally wrap this up, but alas, Pierce’s knowledge of his bowel’s urgency is a little off.  Fearing that the doctor will come looking for us in waiting room and find us MIA, I send Mike out to hold a vigil for my poor soul.  Finally, FINALLY, Pierce has some success, and we put him back together and exit the bathroom and the funk my two little boys have left for the next poor unsuspecting—or suspecting patron who has been listening and waiting this whole time, but doesn’t realize that there is another bathroom across the hall.

The rest of the visit they were wonderful, after all, even they can’t keep up the stamina of embarrassing their mom forever.

Embarrassed tidings,

J

P.S.  This is my 500 post!  What a way to celebrate!  My boys sure do know how to make me feel accomplished!

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