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Dear Oprah,

Ever thought of moving to Canada?  I grew up in northern Minnesota which for all intents and purposes is the same thing, except it’s inside US borders.  You’re welcome for the geography lesson.  Anyhoo, twice in the past couple months my stats have gone crazy and it’s coming outta Canada.  No offense America, but I can’t say the same for you and you have 300 million more people.  Listen, I am no Kardashian, but I can assure you I have tons more talent, and that isn’t saying a whole lot.  Okay, that’s about the meanest thing I have said on my blog that didn’t involve my children.

So, wonderful Canadian, whomever you are, thank you.  Thank you so much!  I can only hope that you are an editor high up in a publishing company and you are compiling your data to present a bestseller to whomever has the last say in my fortune and fame.  Maybe you are the head of one of those HGTV companies and you’re trying to figure out how to make a show about me.  Well, God bless you!  I can’t wait to see what you have to present to me!

I have decided that my loyalty to you, in the great white north, will run so deep and true that I will always defend you when someone calls you “hoser,” mocks the way you say about (aboot), and gratuitously adds “ay” at the end of each sentence for confirmation.  This isn’t just because we were practically kin for the first 18 years of my life, but because you appear to be very entertained by me which is more than I can say for my country.  You also seem to export the funniest people on earth.  How is that?  Do you tell jokes to stay warm?  Whatever it is, it’s working!

If only you could lose the cold temps and snow.  British Columbia looks lovely.  Maybe I could handle that.  Well, dear Canada, you can rest assured if the US goes to war and launches a draft for zaftig, middle aged women to fight on her front lines, I will be first to hop the border disappear into your cold but loving arms.

Keep on reading, Canada!