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Dear Oprah,

I know. I know…I am trying to catch up on an 8 month dry spell in two days.  So, I hope you took the day off from work to read A LOT.  I was wondering if you could wield your influence to gather my mom’s side of the family for a reunion.  I’ll tell you why.

I have become pretty famous in certain circles for my witticisms and general purveyor of amusement.  Besides, I’m friends with you, and I gotta say that’s helpful, too.  It would probably be even more helpful if our friendship wasn’t so one-sided, but I understand you’re busy and my internal light that I shed upon the world can be a little intimidating.

In the past few years it has come to my immediate family’s knowledge that we are related to a struggling actor.  My mom’s cousin is Chris Pratt’s mother, so what does that make him?  First cousin twice removed from me?  Poor guy…it would behoove him greatly to become aware of this fantastic bloodline.

So this is what I was thinking.  You could come out of talk show retirement or we could do an episode of Super Soul Sunday where you introduce this poor relative struggling with his craft to his extended family of mystical influence.  Together we’ll swap stories about being Guardians of the Galaxy (mine spiritual—his something to do with a talking raccoon), and have a couple of beers.  Do you drink beer, Oprah?  It’s pretty good stuff and it loosens the tongue considerably which can be a great assistant in getting to know each other.  Disclaimer: beer cannot be held responsible for the outcome of getting to know each other.

Now, although Mr. Pratt is still working on his reputation and influence in Hollywood, we have seen a significant rise in his fame, and I would have to deduce that this has occurred as a result of his extended family here in Florida telling everyone they know that he is the cousin of Jennifer Donovan who is either their daughter, sister, wife, aunt, niece or friend.  Undoubtedly, knowing me is a bit like having the Midas touch.  So what I would really like is for Chris to acknowledge all that I have done for his career and reach out to me in gratitude!  This would probably shoot him to stardom at such a rate that he will become the hottest thing in Hollywood.  What are you waiting for Chris?  Hmmmm?  Surely I am on your bucket list of celebrities to spend the evening with.  Then you can see the magic that makes me so famous (itty bitty house, rambunctious boys, dirty toilets, and Ned Flanders the neighborly cat.)

See what you can do Oprah.  I am sure I can do something for your P.R. too…