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Dear Oprah,

I was listening to Mike Dooley the other day—you know the “Notes from the Universe” guy?  He told me that the vision board in my backseat, Wayne Dyer playing on my iPod and the car in park wasn’t going to make me get that call from Oprah.   I guess I have to put the car a drive, so here is another effort to gain your attention.  It’s a good one, too—you shall cringe a lot!

DISCLAIMER:  This post contains strong sexual content and may not be appropriate for any kids but my own.

So, it’s no mystery that I am over here in central Florida drowning in testosterone.  Were it not for my job with Ethan Allen, I would have no outlet to recharge my estrogen levels.  For crying out loud, my cat is even male and makes it his business to spray everything in my house!  This morning, I had a moment in the car while driving to school that I thought may be my final one as the knowledge hit home of how much more testosterone is building in our not so distant future.

Mikey say’s to me (forgive me Mike—someday you will be very unhappy that I wrote this, but remember I love you,) “Mommy, I’m a weird kid, because nobody other kids have this.” Oh, no…the last thing I want is for my child to feel different or weird, and since he has a little bit of a processing disorder that makes some of his academics harder than necessary.  Before I could smooth feathers and rebuild his self-esteem he says “When girls are stronger than boys my hoo hoo gets big.  And when I am destroying things on video games, too”  Whoa!  Wasn’t expecting that!  Thank god I have been reading the Outlander series and sexy Jamie has indicated that men during battle and often after get aroused like alpha male animals.  After Mikey’s remark I can only hope that Jamie is not only sexy, but correct on the reactions of the male anatomy to being big, bad tough guys.  I told Mikey that I was pretty sure that was a normal reaction and that his body was going to do “a little growing” a lot more often and for no good reason, in the next few years.  I said that all boys go through this, and that he isn’t the only one who wonders why his hoo hoo “gets big.”

Enough said?  I figured as much, until Pierce said his gets big sometimes at school.  I know he wakes up with morning “wood” because I can see him pitching a tent in jammie bottoms until he goes to the bathroom, but this happening TO MY FIVE YEAR OLD AT SCHOOL?!!!  Now, I need someone to tell me this is normal.  Then, being the smarty pants that he is, Pierce expounds on this new revelation from the back seat.  “Sometimes, at school, my penis gets really big and grows down my leg…and into my sock…and then in my shoe…and then I pee in my shoe.”  Help!  This kid is crazy!  It was a very vivid description, which I could see clearly in my mind.  I can’t help it, I laughed because I thought it was pretty clever, except that horrible word PEEE-NISS is now this really fun word to insert in place of pretty much any noun in conversation or song.  This is why we stuck to hoo-hoo for so long, so that I could save other kids from a premature education and me a call from their parents.

I told my boys that they were going to think that their goods were pretty awesome their whole life, since most men do—but keep it in perspective– they aren’t as awesome as they think!